Hello, and welcome to my blog.
What, you ask, is this blog all about? As you probably guessed from the title, the blog’s focus is dysthymia–a chronic, mild form of depression often punctuated by brief bouts of major depressive episodes. According to Wikipedia, in addition to the chronic depressive qualities, dysthymia presents as low drive, low self-esteem and a low capacity for pleasure. My photo is not yet next to the definition, but it may as well be.
However, I am not a doctor. I do not feel qualified to talk about dysthymia as a disease. I have also not been officially diagnosed, because I lack the strength to actually admit the problem and seek help. You will find that to be a recurring theme. Through all this, though, I am quite certain that I do suffer from it. In fact, I have been suffering through it for almost 20 years. And let me tell you: It is exhausting.
Just talking about the condition and how it affects me might be interesting, but it is not the route I have chosen to go. Rather, I have chosen to publish some of my musings (for lack of a better term). Periodically, when I am hit with a particularly dark period, I essentially rant against myself in writing as a form of catharsis. These writings are never actually shown to anybody; many times they are deleted immediately after they are finished. Now I am going to share them with the world, to illustrate exactly how dark and how dangerous this “mild” form of depression can be.
In order to accomplish this, in order to provide the most open possible glimpse into my head, some details are going to need to be changed. I will be writing this blog anonymously. Insofar as I believe that certain details may serve to identify me, I will alter or remove them. If I feel that other peoples’ names should be changed if I need to talk about them, I will change those as well. However do understand that they are in no way embellished, they are in no way manufactured — they are, in short, nothing but a raw glimpse into a diseased mind.
If you want to see the toll 20 years of depression takes, you’re in the right place.