This is not one of my self-directed rants, as I suggested would be the blog’s focus. It probably will, and I ended up writing one of those today as well. But rather, I want to muse briefly on the difficulty in reaching out.
I feel strongly that I am a small push in either direction from salvation or decimation. My main issue is that I am simply lonely, that I am unable to see any worth in myself that others might find endearing. A friend–a real friend–might be a push sufficient to turn everything around. Lack of it, or any number of other negatives might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
There are people I like, who I would love to be friends with, but I can’t reach out to them. Why? First of all I don’t like the weakness, but if it was just a matter of making myself look like precisely the kind of fool I am that wouldn’t be a hindrance.
Rather, I refuse to burden them with my shit. I tried that once. I had a friend who made me feel safe, who made me feel like I could share my burden, and I did. It didn’t take overly long for him to realize that I was more trouble than I was worth, however, and I got thrown to the curb like a sack of trash. That is a lesson I did not fail to learn. More than that, though, it’s simply not fair. “I can’t handle this so uh — here, you do it.” No. That’s not fair, and it’s not something to do to somebody who I’m claiming I want to be friends with.
More importantly, the only way a friendship matters, the only way it can have any kind of positive effect, is if it is genuine — and I believe that it is genuine. It can’t be because somebody pities me. That’s not going to work for anybody.
That makes what should be a simple thing, what probably is a fairly simple thing for the Normals out there, a rather tall order. When you have no idea what you might have to offer people how can you offer it? “Do you want to be my friend” might have worked in Kindergarten but its time has passed. Unfortunately my social skills have not matured much beyond that.
So I reach out, kind of half way. I just kind of float shit out there: “Something wrong? If you need somebody to talk to I’m around.” Essentially offering friendship and hoping that if they take me up on it that there might be a reciprocation at the end (not a reciprocation of an offer to let me bitch; I am over that, as I said). Needless to say it does not go well. Yet it is also as far as I have an ability to go.